Unites States of Shock Blog #2 Happy Birthday Jesus. Next Year, We’ll Probably be Able to Tell You in Person.


I’m Spring Day (real name, hippie parents)

Moving back to the United States after having lived in Japan and traveling the world for 16 years has been a bit of a head fuck. My blog “The United States of Shock!” is where I give my brilliant and bitter two cents, pence, yen and euro on my experience with culture shock and current events. If you have any questions you would like to have answered in a snit, email them to springdaycomedy@gmail.com

Christmas time in New York is everything you expect it to be: bright, sparkly, and the streets are alive with the sound of “Hey! Fuck you Buddy!” (New Yorkers always reserve the words “buddy”, “friend”, “sir”, and “lady” to address people they would really like to see hit by a train in the near future.)

I left America when George Bush was in office and had no intention of ever coming back until Barack Obama made America groovy again. Over the last 8 years, I paid off my student loans, saved a bit of money and in 2016, started my life in New York with a suitcase and dreams of affording healthcare in America. Just as it always is on stage, my timing was fucking perfect.

Little did I know I’d witness a deeply troubled man who mocked the disabled on national television be elected president of the United States. (I think one of the reasons there was relatively little outrage over this incident is because it takes a special kind of retard to mock the retarded. Do you criticize him for being ignorant and hateful or is he simply taking power back by poking fun at his own people, like with black people and the n-word.)

I have a theory about prejudice. Everyone has one and it’s not always racial.

At some point in time ( usually when they don’t get exactly what they want) an able-bodied person will think, “It’s not like I’m disabled.” A physically disabled person will think, “It’s not like I’m retarded.” A mentally challenged person thinks, “Oh look! I found a penny!”

I genuinely believed Hillary had a real shot at winning the presidency. I knew she didn’t stand a chance in 2004 because African American men could vote 40 years before women could. The world is progressing, but not always at the speed of Moore’s Law as our Apple products have conditioned us to believe.

I thought she might win this year because it was the first election year in a long time Evangelicals didn’t think the Democratic nominee was the Antichrist. (She simply wasn’t likable enough.) Plus, she stuck with her husband after he cheated on her. Evangelicals love that kind of feminine sacrifice more than abstinence until marriage, the wage gap and teenage abortions done abroad. 

My evangelical friends seemed very quiet on my social media walls. Partly out of politeness and partly because few people in America know how to have a conversation with someone they disagree with without ripping heads off. So much so, Americans insist on having mock arguments with people who actually agree with them. Whenever I hear a friend or family member say the words,”And if you think…” in a rhetorical and finger wagging fashion, I want to open the door and jump out of the car. Civil discourse with people who do not agree with everything we believe is a skill we as a nation and culture must learn or Canada is going to outshine us. (If only because there aren’t enough people there to disagree with.)

The biggest reason I believe Evangelicals have remained relatively silent about the Republican candidate is because they desperately want Jesus to come back NOW. For these people, Christ’s Second Coming is always imminent. Anticipation fatigue is bound to set in. As per the rules, no one knows exactly when Jesus is coming back.(because Christ is the coolest cat since George Clinton and the PFunk when it comes to entrances and exits) Therefore, much like children who want to live in a bigger and better house and so, while their parents are away, let an accidental electrical fire burn down their childhood home, thinking, “Now my parents will have to buy a house on the beach!” These kids has no idea how pissed their parents are going to be when they come home. Nor do they realize that their parents may not come back for many years to come, as their father may actually be George Clinton on tour. Either way, the chance that these children will have to sleep in the ashes of their decision indefinitely is pretty damn high.

I think Jesus will come back but not any time soon. I don’t know about you but I choose not to arrive at a party just in time to take over clean-up, particularly if it’s at the Fukushima Power Plant.

Anyway, happy birthday Jesus. It looks like next year, for one reason or another, we’ll get to celebrate your birthday in person.

By the way, I’ll be doing my one-man show “Spring Day: Help! I’ve Fallen in Love and I Can’t Get Up!” January 14th 10:30 pm. Click here for Tickets

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